


Turn around

by Snuffles02



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crying, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Light Angst, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), One Shot, POV Remus Lupin, Pining, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus/Tonks (implied), Sweet, The Marauder's Map, Young Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:34:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25666765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snuffles02/pseuds/Snuffles02
Summary: After every full moon Remus receives a note with a different quote each time. He had assumed it was Lily trying to comfort him but a forgotten diary in the hospital wing reveals that it was someone else all along. With only few months left at Hogwarts, Remus has to find out who this person is that claims to love him. How will he deal with what he discoveres ?
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 33





	Turn around

**Author's Note:**

> I just had this idea in my head that I wanted to explore. This is my first story and English is not my first language, so there might be some (or a lot of) mistakes. I am really nervous about posting this but I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> No rights over Harry Potter. It's all J K Rowling.

Remus opened his eyes and blinked blearily. He was greeted by the familiar stark white walls of the hospital wing with bright sunlight pouring out of the window overhead. He raised a hand in front of his eyes trying to shield them from the sudden light and wrinkled his nose as the sterile smell of the infirmary mixed with the pungent smell of potions reached him.

He yawned and sat up slowly. There was a familiar lingering pain in his bones as he stretched his arms and legs. He felt as if all the energy had been sapped out of him. It was the usual after effect of the transformation. He yawned tiredly and his hand reached automatically to the table on his right, grasping the vial of pain reducing potion. He winced as he gulped it down in one go, not wanting the bitter taste on his tongue to last.

Just sitting up and moving his arms to get the vial had tired him up. But the potion kicked in soon and Remus felt the warmth spreading in his body, taking away the stinging pain. He sighed and slid open the curtain around his bed, anticipation rising in him as his eyes landed on the left side table.

Ah,There it is. The chocolate frog and a piece of parchment peeking out from beneath it. A strange kind of relief filled him as he exhaled the breath he had been holding in. He reached out and opened the chocolate frog. The frog tried to take a leap of freedom but Remus caught it with practiced ease and put it in his mouth. The heavenly chocolate melted on his tongue, ensnaring his senses and taking away the terrible aftertaste of the potion.

Remus carefully opened the neatly folded parchment that accompanied the frog. It had a single line written on it,

_**The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.  
Like you.**_

He felt a smile rise to his lips. This was from the muggle movie, Mulan.  
Since the middle of sixth year after every full moon there would be a chocolate frog and a piece of parchment with an encouraging quote waiting for him on the side table . Sometimes Shakespeare, sometimes Robert Frost, sometimes from movies or else words of some famous wizard. It never failed to cheer him up. It felt nice to read the comforting words after spending the better part of the night as a vicious monster. 

The parchment was always charmed so that it appeared to be written in someone else's handwriting. He had tried to track it down, but the writing wasn't similar to any of his friends or classmates from his year. In the end he figured it must be Lily, she was the only one who read muggle literature who could possibly know the quotes. Sirius and James would never touch a book, much less a non-academic one, with a ten foot pole. Peter barely understood normal texts, Shakespeare was definitely not his cup of tea and neither would he ever be so thoughtful.

Lily was also the only person besides the marauders and teachers who knew about his lycanthropy. So he tried to ask her subtly about it but she had looked utterly confused. Even if she wasn't the type of person to hide her emotions, he figured she didn't want to seem too sappy or something. So he just gave her a grateful smile and never mentioned it again.

Madam Pomfrey came over when she noticed he was awake and did the usual check up. After fussing over him for a few minutes, she declared him fit to leave the hospital wing but asked him to rest in the dorms and returned to her office. Remus folded the parchment again and put it safely in the pocket of his robes as he got out of the bed. He silently changed into his uniform after closing the curtain again. When he was ready he headed off to the Gryffindor tower.

Remus was just stepping outside the infirmary when something caught his eye. He bent down and saw a small leather bound book lying near the edge of the doorframe. He picked it up carefully and opened it but it was blank. He supposed it must be a charmed diary, many students owned those. But without a name on the front he couldn't return it to the owner.

Remus took out his wand and cast a revealing charm on it. Suddenly inky black words started appearing on the front page. 

_State the password._

_If you are reading this diary without the permission of the owner, you will be hexed unpleasantly within the next ten seconds._

He closed the diary immediately. He didn't want to test the truth behind those words, some people were very serious about their privacy and he didn't want to go back to Madam Pompfrey before he had taken ten steps away from his bed. The locking charms on the diary seemed familiar to the ones they had used for the map. Making up his mind, he performed a series of complicated charms that would undo them temporarily. As soon as he finished, words started emerging on the pages. He turned the first page to see if any name was mentioned.

Remus was an honorable guy, he would never read another person's diary unless explicitly asked to do so. But when his eyes fell on the first few words on the page he froze. He felt his resolve crumbling rapidly. 

Because those were the exact words from the first quote he had received almost seventeen months back. A slightly tweaked quote from Shakespeare, 

**_It is not in the stars (or the moon) to hold our destiny but in ourselves._ **

There were only seventeen entries in the diary. Each entry on the day before the full moon. His hands were trembling by the time he reached the last page which had yesterday's date written on the top left corner. He breathed in deep and tried to push away the guilt as he started reading the entry.

_Saturday, 21 March_

__

__

_The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all._

_I just remembered this quote from a muggle movie I saw with my mother last summer. Suits him perfectly, doesn't it?_

__

__

_I used to love the moon and the stars when I grew up. They seemed so beautiful, thousands of fireballs lighting up the night sky. They made me feel part of something big, this universe. I liked staring at the moon for hours marvelling its beauty, until last year. Till I found out what it meant for him. It's so ironic, something so beautiful and serene as the moon can bring out something so violent in him._

__

__

_I thought about telling him what I know but I knew he wouldn't have taken it well. He doesn't trust me, doesn't have a reason to. He doesn't know that I don't view him with prejudice like the rest of the world does. He doesn't know that I will die before I reveal his secret to anyone. He doesn't know that I love him so much it hurts._

__

__

_Speaking of the devil, he just walked in the library with Lily Evans. Sweet Merlin, kill me now! Why does he have to look so gorgeous all the time? He is still in the uniform which suits him perfectly, his beautiful golden eyes are alight with interest as he talks rapidly with Lily. Ahh..I wish I could just drown in those breathtaking eyes._

__

__

_They are sitting a few tables down discussing the arithmancy homework. He takes out some parchment and quill from his bag and sets them on the table and his eyes scan the book in front of him for reference. I take in every little detail that I can, his sharp gaze, his long slender fingers holding the quill delicately, his slightly rumpled shirt with the top two buttons undone, the slope of his neck, his lips pursed as he contemplates the words he reads._

__

__

_I finish counting to five in my head and I look away. It takes all my willpower not to turn around again. I do this because his friends are very observant and there is no way that I could get away with staring at him for more than five seconds like I want to without them noticing it._

__

__

_Every girl in our year and the rest of the school too, keeps drooling over his best friends. I can see their point but for me, no one can compete with him. I mean, just look at him, his golden brown hair falling perfectly in waves, his amber eyes shining with mischief and intelligence, the way his bites his lip in concentration._

__

__

_There are some white lines criss crossing and disappearing above his wrists and his neck. His scars are the most intriguing part of him. For two years I have been staring at them in my five second glances in every class we share. I am not a Ravenclaw for nothing though, I figured it out half way through last year._

__

_I wish I had done it earlier, I wish I had seen his wonderfulness before. Now I can't do more than stare from afar, monitor my every step, making sure I don't let my feelings slip. It would be dangerous if anybody found out that just from five second glances every day, I fell for him._

__

__

_How could I not? He is the smartest of them all, he is kind and gentle and sweet. I can see all his emotions in his eyes, his happiness when he is with his friends. So content just to have people around him. I can see the way he puffs his chest slightly when he gets an O in an assignment or when any teacher praises him. The way his lips twitch slightly from a distance witnessing his friends antics._

__

__

_I can also see the conflict in them, the pain and sadness lingering perpetually. He feels glad for having friends but worries that he puts them in danger. He is glad for happiness but he feels he doesn't deserve it._

__

__

_He tries to be as gentle as possible to make up for that one night of the month, so that he can placate himself. His every movement is precise and controlled, the way he dips the quill in the inkwell and writes, so that there is not a single smudge on the paper or on his hand. His every step is measured, concise. His words are on point and eloquent, he likes to feel intelligent.He likes the feeling of being in control of his own mind and body._

__

__

_He is a bit shy like me, but he does enjoy the occasional attention he gets, unlike his best friends who are always in the spotlight. He doesn't belittle anyone who approaches him for help and explains everything patiently. His passion for gaining knowledge and spreading it amazes me._

__

__

_I wish I could just walk up to him and talk with him for hours. I want to ask him hundreds of questions. What are his views on the books he has read, What is his favorite quote, what kind of coffee he drinks, if he like watching movies. I want to know what he is like in the morning, grumpy or cheerful. I want to know what he does when he is alone. I want to know him inside out. All the good and the bad._

__

__

_But I just sit here, with my five second glances and try to figure it all out on my own._

__

__

_I saw him kiss Tyra yesterday after their date in front of the Three Broomsticks. I could feel a huge lump in my throat swelling and my steps faltered but I swallowed it down and let my friends drag me away and I didn't look back. It felt like someone was dragging a knife painfully slow through my heart._

__

__

_If I tell Emma or Ben about my crush, they will try to set me up with him. But I can't be another Tyra. Or Meghan or Mary. I can't go on a date with him, just for him to end it the next day politely. I don't know why he refuses to have a girlfriend. Perhaps he is scared to reveal himself. Not that he would want even that one date with me._

__

__

_He doesn't know me. Well, he knows my name but that's it. I am just a classmate from a different house. I spoke to him for the first time when I did a charms project with Lily in the start of sixth year. That was when I witnessed who he was. His loyalty and compassion. His immense love for books and chocolate. And it all started, those five second glances.  
I started noticing him but he didn't notice me back._

__

__

_I am just another face in the crowd for most people here, including him. For seven years I have been a smart Ravenclaw, but not smart enough to beat him and get his attention. I am calm and shy, not fiery and passionate for him to take interest. I look good but just not good enough for him to turn around and look back._

__

__

_And I am okay with it now, to blend in the background. I've had years of practice with it._

__

__

_I look out the window just as he does, the sun has almost set down. A lone bird flies across the scarlet background. The sky will start getting darker and the full moon will rise in about two hours. He sighs loudly and Lily pats him on the shoulder. I don't think I can ever be as brave as him, sitting in the library with a straight face hours before all his bones will break and reform._

__

__

_I let my eyes roam over his tired face. His fear and exhaustion is so clear in lines etched on his face even if he tries to hide it. Five seconds and I look away._

__

__

_Is it weird that I will miss him more than I will miss my best friends when I leave Hogwarts and ultimately England? That I'm spending my last few months thinking about him, just like I spent last year too, even though I know it's useless ?_

__

__

_I repeat all the reasons I can't be with him for the hundredth time in my head.  
My parents won't let me... I am moving to another country after Hogwarts... And most of all, he doesn't want me. _

__

__

_I am not brave like his Gryffindor friends to march up to him and kiss him like I desperately want to. Not when my Ravenclaw brain tells me all the reasons I shouldn't. I am not anything remarkable. I am not good enough for him._

__

__

_I could have become friends with him if I wanted to, I knew Lily well. But I'm too shy to approach. I could have confessed months ago but there was always the huge possibility that he might not reciprocate. At least this way I could keep imagining he might have someday liked me too. I don't think I could go on without that foolish hope._

__

__

_Even if it had worked out for us, it would have ended inevitably when I moved back to India in two months. So I always figured, it's better to leave with my own broken heart and unrequited love than drag him down with me. I can't be another reason for the sadness behind his beautiful eyes. He deserves all the happiness in this world and so much more than I can give him._

__

__

_He stands up and gathers his books with Lily when it's almost pitch dark outside. His eyes pass over me like I'm not even there. They both turn towards the door and walk away from me. I know I have accepted my fate but still my heart breaks more and more with every step he takes. I want to scream at him but the words are stuck in my throat,_

__

__

_Turn around, Remus. Can't you see that I'm right here?_  
________________________________________________________________________________________

Remus slid down the wall slowly and reached the ground. This diary revealed secrets that hit him like a ton of bricks. Someone other than his friends had figured out his secret! Holy Merlin! Not only that, but this person was _okay_ with it.

This was too much to take in right now. Who was this girl? She had figured him out better than even the marauders had in seven years. She had deciphered his motives behind every little movement. She understood all his emotions precisely and didn't despise him for being who he was.

He had to find out who she was, there wasn't a name mentioned anywhere in the diary. He tried to picture yesterday's scene from the library but his mind drew to a blank. She was right, he didn't notice her but he was too stressed out about the approaching full moon to pay attention to his surroundings then.

There were seven girls in seventh year from Ravenclaw. He could rule out three of them who he knew well and the one she had mentioned as her friend. But he hadn't bothered much with the rest. He had an inkling about who this might be, but he wasn't sure.

Remus was confused as hell. He had no idea what to do. It was clear that this girl meant no harm otherwise he would have been expelled months ago. The idea that someone other than marauders could like him, let alone love after finding out about his condition always seemed absurd to him. No one could love a monster like him.

He had never let himself entertain the notion that he could date like other people, have a steady relationship and get married. There was no point in giving himself hope. That's why he always broke up with the ostentatious girls Sirius set him up with repeatedly. 

But now, his beliefs were shattered. This girl loved him. She really did, he could feel the pain behind her words. She had read him like an open book. _How?_

He needed to find out who she was. He had to see with his own eyes who had deemed him worthy enough to fall in love with. He closed the diary without reading the rest of the entries. The last one had been more than enough for him, and he couldn't make himself cross that invisible line again. 

He had to keep this to himself for now. The marauders would get too excited. Especially James, he always wanted Remus to have a girlfriend to 'take care' of him. He had no idea what he would even say to them. A part of Remus wanted to keep the knowledge to himself. This was a nice feeling, knowing someone other than his parents and friends loved him. Without having any obligations to do so.

After locking the diary, Remus put a tracking spell on it and placed it on the stone floor right where he had found it earlier. He steeled himself and stood up. He walked away with heavy steps and just before he turned around the corner, he looked back. The little brown book was lying on the floor innocently, like it hadn't just turned his world upside down.  
____________________________________________________________

Remus had grabbed the marauders map from James's trunk as soon as he reached the dorms. The rest of his dorm mates had headed for breakfast already. Though the night's activities tired them out as much as they did him, the three always headed to breakfast and diverted the attention away from his monthly absence.

He laid down on the soft mattress of his bed and whispered, "I solemnly swear that I'm upto no good" to the parchment in his hand, Black ink started spreading out on it and Remus scanned the map eagerly. He closed the map dejectedly when the tracking charm showed that the diary was still in front of the hospital wing. He supposed it was too soon for the girl to notice that her diary was missing if she wrote in it only once a month.

Disappointed more than he would like to admit, he closed his eyes and rubbed his temple.He wanted to get a few hours of rest before he went down to attend the classes in the afternoon. But he could feel a slight headache developing. He tried to relax and keep his mind blank but when he fell asleep, his thoughts were filled with a faceless girl. 

Remus was woken up at half past twelve by James and Sirius's bickering as they entered the dorm. He tried to block out their animated discussion over their favourite quidditch teams by covering his ears with a pillow but his efforts were vain. "Oi idiots! Keep it down!" He shouted, annoyed. He grabbed the pillow and turned sideways trying to muffle the sound and wishing he had thought about putting a silencing charm beforehand.

"It's time to wake up, princess." Sirius jumped on him and yelled in his ear like an imbecile. "You have to freshen up and have lunch before we have to go to Transfiguration." Prongs added unhelpfully from the other side of the bed. "Ugh, get off me mutt!" Remus pushed Sirius out of the bed. Sirius yelped as he landed on the floor in a heap. Prongs and Peter chortled as Sirius cursed Remus indignantly.

After fixing his appearance as much as he could, Remus sneaked into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him and opened the map again. His breath hitched, the diary wasn't in front of the hospital wing anymore. His eyes landed on the Ravenclaw tower where he found the diary besides another dot.

A dot labeled Sarah Patil.

He remembered her but the details were hazy. Average height, brown skin and long black hair. She was fairly quiet and always stayed in the background. He could recall having conversed with her last year but it had clearly not made as much impact on him as it did on her.

 _I love him so much it hurts._ The words ring in his ears and he is filled with a desperate desire to know her. Sarah Patil. He would never have guessed. He vowed to himself that he would find out more about her, this girl who saw past his inner demon in a way even he didn't.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

For the next few weeks Remus observed Sarah discreetly. He even visited the Ravenclaw common room in the pretext of discussing the patrol schedule with his fellow prefect.He took care so that she didn't notice his sudden interest in her life. But his hard work paid off in the end, he got what he wanted to know.

Sarah was wrong. She was not uninteresting or bland or any of the thousand things she thought of herself. 

Sarah was beautiful. Not in the stunning, obvious kind of way like Lily but more subtle. She had long straight raven black hair which ended in soft curls just above her waist. She had chocolate brown eyes and eyelashes long enough to sweep the floor with. Her skin was a gorgeous bronze colour that sparkled in the sun. She was neither too short nor too tall but just the perfect height to reach under his chin if he ever hugged her.

Remus had become addicted to watching her every move. He tried to be subtle about it. She, of all people would definitely notice if he was doing something suspicious. One day Remus borrowed James's cloak when he and Sirius were in detention and followed Sarah to the Ravenclaw common room.

She was sitting with Emma and a few girls from their year on a sofa beside the bust of Rowena Ravenclaw. Her whole demeanor had changed. Gone was the shy and silent girl. The girl in front of him was cheerful and spirited. She conversed enthusiastically with her friends about every topic under the sun. Remus found out that she had a huge sarcastic streak and she smirked cockily when she dropped a clever pun. She could do perfect impressions of the professors and Mrs.Norris's signature glare.

If he hadn't witnessed it personally, he would have never believed that Sarah could be so outgoing. She even played some light hearted pranks on her friends when they were distracted- Planting a dungbomb under their chair and charming one's hair neon yellow. It was nothing spectacular like the marauders' pranks but it was the matter of principle. A prank was a prank.

When the pranks were successful, she laughed out loud. It was the most genuine and beautiful sound Remus had ever heard. Her happiness was so contagious at the moment that even he was grinning like an idiot under the cloak. Her eyes were alight with joy as she ran away before her friends started chasing her.

Her love for books paralleled his. He would observe the dot labeled with her name sitting in the library or in the Ravenclaw tower for hours at end. She read everything from fiction to poetry, from muggle to wizard literature. He was highly amused when she snapped at anyone who disturbed her in the middle of the climax of a book she was reading.

Remus couldn't believe he had been so blind for so long, this amazing girl had been in the same year as him for seven years without him noticing. She did blend into the background easily. But her true personality shone through when she was alone with her friends.

Remus was in a dilemma, he didn't know what to do. On one hand he desperately wanted to approach her and tell her how wrong she was, that Remus would definitely be interested in going on more than one date with her but on the other hand, he wanted to keep her away from him. Safe and happy, at least as happy as she could be.

If she didn't think he was a monster, she was wrong. She didn't know what he was capable of. It was always better to keep his distance. It's not like he didn't genuinely like some of the girls James or Sirius would set him up with but it was the fear of hurting them that kept him away from them too.

There was no future with Remus. He had accepted that years ago. He would never have what James and Lily have. The society would condemn him and the unfortunate person who was with him. Yes, he thought resolutely, it was a wise decision to stay away.

But it was oh so tempting to give in. She already knew about his 'furry little problem' and she still loved him. Who knew if he would ever find a girl like her. It would be so easy to catch her hand and pull her in for a kiss. His resolve was tested time and again when she would bite her dark red lips, frowning in concentration when she read a book and Remus would groan internally. 

__________________________________________________________________________________________

The NEWTs were approaching soon and Remus found himself swamped with work. He had some catching up to do because of his distraction during the past few weeks. Everyone was at their wit's end. Even James and Sirius had bravely ventured into the library to study with him. Remus had made a revision schedule for everyone but the rest of the marauders had vehemently disagreed to follow it.

The month leading upto the exam went similarly. There were dozens of texts to read, notes to review and spells to be practiced, yet Remus still found himself occasionally sneaking peeks at her. He would forget about being subtle till her chocolate brown irises would meet his amber ones and they would both look away hurriedly.

After another week and half of excruciating torture and sleepless nights, the Newts were finally over. Remus was confident he had done well in most of the subjects. He was doubtful about getting an O in potions but potions had been bane of his existence since the first year, so he shrugged and let it go.

The last full moon of the term was approaching in 5 days. The day after that was the last day of the term, when the Leaving feast would commence . Even though many points were lost by Gryffindor due to Marauder's pranks, Remus was sure they would win the house cup. But he felt miserable, these would be his last 6 days at Hogwarts. The last time he would get to roam the halls aimlessly with his friends. The last time he would get to see Sirius getting a detention for proposing to McGonagall. It was also the last time he would get to look at Sarah's enchanting brown eyes, the last time he would get a chocolate frog and words of comfort the morning after a miserable night.

There was an ongoing prank war between the marauders and the Prewett twins a few years below them. James and Sirius were enthusiastic participants, planning and plotting for hours now that the exams were over and dragging Remus along with them. After all there was 'no way the mighty marauders would bow down to two puny fifth years.' 

Remus enjoyed their pranks, he was usually the mastermind behind the best ones but now he couldn't put his mind to them no matter how hard he tried. Randomly throughout the day, words would ring in his ears from her diary. If she was in the vicinity, he would pause whatever he was doing and got lost in thoughts of wanting to hold her, have her for hours.

Now that their time at Hogwarts was officially coming to an end he noticed that she was watching him more openly. She didn't turn away when their eyes met and he could see the question lingering behind them but he was unable to answer it. It felt like time was running out for him to do something. He knew he wanted to talk to her. No, he _needed_ to talk to her, there was no way he would leave school letting her believe she was anything short of perfect.

Even if it was too late for anything to happen between them, he had to tell her how grateful he was for her silent support. That if he hadn't been so bloody stupid, he would have been gladly been her best friend or even boyfriend if she would have had him.

But what if she was angry at him for taking so long to notice her? What if she didn't like him looking at her? She was bound to notice, he hadn't been so subtle for the past month. What if she denied writing the diary or sending the chocolate frogs? Was it even fair for him to approach her when she loved him and he what- liked her?

Remus was anxious. He had never been so apprehensive about anything before. He had constantly talked himself out of speaking to her since the exams ended. Prongs and Padfoot thought he was just depressed about leaving school and tried to cheer him by bringing loads of chocolate from Honeydukes and sneaking in a bottle of firewhisky. He plastered a smile to his face, his expression revealing none of the thousand swirling emotions in his thoughts and clunk his conjured shot glass with theirs.

The boys were totally hammered within hours. But not him, he would never let his control slip away, not to things like alcohol. Lily was also sober, she had never acquired the taste for firewhisky. 

He had convinced the boys that he was fine but Lily had seen right through his facade. She pried him gently and he found himself spilling everything to her attentive ears. The diary, the notes, the five second glances. Lily sat there patiently as he rambled on and on. When he finished she was smiling coyly at him but seeing his desperate look she schooled her face into a more kind and understanding expression.

"Sarah is a sweet girl, Remus. She comes from an Indian family. They are a bit conservative you know, it might have been one of the reasons why she never told you. From what I've heard, she had only one boyfriend in all her time here and that too only for a month in fifth year." Lily paused, taking a sip of her Butterbear, "But you're right, you should talk to her. She deserves to know that you like her too." 

Remus nodded, "I know that Lily. But what if-" 

"Oh shush, don't go drowning yourself in what ifs." Lily interrupted him,"You are a Gryffindor for Merlin sake. Where the hell is your courage wolf-boy?"

Remus huffed. "None of that pouting now mister." Lily laughed at his expression. "Promise me you'll go talk to Sarah tomorrow? It might be your only chance." She added in a softer tone.

Remus took in a deep breath,"I will. Will you keep these idiots busy for a while?" He said gesturing towards sleeping forms of Sirius, James and Peter lying on the carpet in front of them in a tangled heap.

"Of course." Lily said and squeezed his hand gently "It's going to be alright Remus. Don't worry."

"Yeah. Thanks Lily." Remus said sincerely and she smiled. She had said exactly what he needed to hear. He had been procrastinating this for too long. Tomorrow was the full moon, his last chance. He felt his resolve strengthening.  
_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Remus cast a quick _Tempus_ , it was 4:30 at the moment. Lily had informed Sarah to meet him by the lake at 5 in the evening. She had also somehow managed to drag the boys away to their dorm a few minutes ago and had given him a reassuring nod on the way. So Remus was left alone with his thoughts in the common room, staring at the cackling firewood and the flames dancing above it.

Remus could feel his heart beat in his throat just at the prospect of what was approaching. He was wearing his favorite navy blue sweater and black pants with trainers. He rechecked his hair in a conjured mirror, it seemed alright. He didn't understand why he was a nervous wreck, it wasn't like he was talking to a girl for the first time. 

When it was ten minutes to five, Remus got up and trudged out of the common room. The walk from the Gryffindor tower to the lake had never been so short and long at the same time. The castle doors were wide open when he reached the entrance hall and he stepped outside. There were a few people strewn across the grounds enjoying the evening sun on their faces. His eyes roamed till they landed on a lone form sitting right at the edge of the lake leaning against an apple tree.

He made his way towards her and concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to ignore the way sun rays hit her face, making it glow. She turned around when he was a foot away and patted the ground beside her, signaling him to sit down with a tight lipped smile.

She was wearing a cream coloured sweater with brown jeans and tan boots. She had her knees bent and arms folded, her long shiny hair was being tossed by the wind behind her shoulders. Her breathtaking eyes were swirling with emotions Remus failed to discern as he sat down.

"Hi, Remus! Any reason you wanted to talk to me?" Sarah broke the silence first, she looked just as anxious as he felt. Her jaw was clenched and her eyebrows drawn in apprehension, as if waiting for something terrible to happen.

"Yeah, I did. I.. I.." Remus replied, all the lines that he had prepared to say in front of the mirror had flown right out of his mind. Something about the diary and moon.. Drat! He knew he looked like an idiot stuttering like that, so he said the first thing that came to mind. "I found your diary that day, outside the hospital wing." 

Sarah gasped and clasped her hand to her mouth.Her eyes were wide and she looked like a deer caught in a headlight. "Fuck! It was you! I knew someone had tampered with my locking charms but I didn't.. I had hoped.." She trailed off in a disbelieving tone.

"It was me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have but there was no name on the front and I was just trying to figure out who to return it to." Remus continued and watched her eyes going even wider.

"How much did you read?" She asked swallowing heavily and trying not to show the horror she was feeling on her face.

"Just the last page. I swear." Remus said in a guilty voice.

"You shouldn't have, Remus. You had no right to do that." Sarah said with a hint of irritation but her mind was spinning at the implication of his words. Suddenly her eyebrows relaxed and her mouth fell open in an 'O' like she had solved an incredible puzzle. "That's why you have been observing me for the past month. I thought.." She sighed and looked down, "Never mind."

"Sarah, I know I was way out of line there but when I saw the quote I couldn't help myself. I really am sorry though." Sarah saw the sincerity in his eyes and relented, giving him a short nod. She never could deny him anything.

"Is it true then? Do you really..?" Remus left the question incomplete. They both knew what he was talking about.

She sighed in a resigned way and turned away from him, "Yes it is." There was no point in denying now. She had written those words with her own hands. It was the last day of school anyways, what harm could come from confessing now?

"I love you, Remus." She said staring straight into his golden brown eyes, her voice ringing clearly with no trace of doubt.

"Wow." Remus hadn't expected her to say it out right so easily. "I think I-"

"No!" She stopped him, "Don't say it Remus, not when you don't mean it. Don't make this harder please." Her brown eyes were begging for him to understand.

"It's okay." Remus took her small hand in his larger one and entwined their fingers. "Look at me, Sarah." She reluctantly raised her eyes at his words. They were misty. "I won't say anything. Calm down."

Her shoulders relaxed at his words and they both turned away, choosing to observe the giant squid skimming in the shallows in tense silence. "I like my coffee black." He said abruptly.

She turned to him with a confused and adorable expression,"What?"

"You wanted to know what kind of coffee I liked." She laughed at his words and the tension dissolved immediately. "And my favourite quote is the first one you gave me. Thanks for those by the way, they were a huge source of comfort for me." Remus smiled at her warmly with gratitude.

"Yeah? I hoped they would be." She blushed and brightened up.

They fell into an easy conversation after that. Talking to her was surprisingly effortless. They spoke about their favourite books, favourite subjects, future plans, hobbies, friends. It felt like he had known her for ages. Sarah was very talkative once she got out of her shell. They even had a debate about which Arithmancy theory was better but she held her ground, ultimately forcing Remus to accept his defeat.

She was smirking after he agreed that he lost. "Look at that. The great Remus Lupin, Arithmancy genius and Gryffindor prefect just lost to a Ravenclaw. This day must go down in history." Remus rolled his eyes. "Come on now, bow down to your queen Remus." She said the last part in a posh tone and flicked her hair behind her shoulder.

Remus chortled. "Of course, Your majesty." He gave her an exaggerated bow and they both fell into fits of laughter. 

"You are so great, Sarah. Why didn't you ever come and talk to me? I was being such an oblivious idiot." Remus asked her with a raised eyebrow.

"You think it was easy for me to stay away?" She said in a quiet tone, her eyes downcast. "You think I haven't been dying for this to happen?" She gestured at the air between them vaguely.

"You should have given me a hint at least Sarah." Remus shook his head.

"Ok you're right, then what would have happened?" For the first time in the evening Remus felt her getting angry. "We would have become friends. Perhaps go on a date or two when I would have found the courage to ask you out and then you would have dumped me the next day for whatever reason. You would go along with your marauder buddies, leaving me high and dry." She finished irately.

"Don't make my decisions for me Sarah. You're right that I didn't go on a second date with anyone here but it was because I didn't want it to get serious. I didn't want anyone getting repulsed and running away from me after they would inevitably find out what I am. They were bound to if I had let them stick around." Remus said in a calm voice and Sarah felt her anger melting away.

"But you are different. You already knew and you aren't disgusted by me." Remus looked at her in awe and disbelief. "If you had just told me, we could have.." He trailed off.

Sarah sighed, "I know. I was scared, Remus. I was in too deep. You would have broken me to pieces if you had rejected me. And.." there was a pained look on her face. 

"Go on." Remus took her hand and smiled encouragingly. 

She gathered her courage and started speaking again, "My father is terminally ill, Remus. We moved to England for his treatment when I was nine. My parents are quite open minded but they don't like the idea of me being in a relationship. Dating David in fifth year was my act of defiance but during that whole month I felt like I was betraying them. Especially my dad, with his condition.. I just didn't want to disappoint him. So I broke up with David." 

She unclenched her jaw and continued. "I decided to never act on what I felt for you because even if it worked out between us, I could never tell them that I have a boyfriend, much less a.."

"A werewolf." Remus finished her sentence. "It's fine, Sarah." He shook his head when she started to apologize frantically. 

"So you are moving back to India soon?" Remus inquired.

"Yeah, a week after graduation. There is nothing more healers here can do. Dad wants to be near the rest of the family before the inevitable happens." She said, wiping her tears on her sleeve. Remus squeezed her shoulder in comfort.

"Moony?" A voice rang behind him. They turned and got up when they saw Sirius approaching them. "Minnie wants to see us, remember? We have a detention with her in half an hour." Sirius said, looking pointedly at Sarah.

"Ok Padfoot. Why don't you go ahead, I'll be there in a minute." Remus replied, Sirius's message was clear. Full moon will be out soon, they had to go to the shack. 

"If you say so." Sirius said and looked at Remus questioningly, he grey eyes alternating between Remus and Sarah. When he saw Remus looking at him with a stern expression he hurried back to the castle. Remus knew he would be interrogated quite thoroughly when he returned to their dorms. He sighed in resignation. He would cross that bridge when it comes.

When he turned back he was surprised to see Sarah was smiling through her tears, "Moony? Really?" She giggled and wiped her cheeks, "Could you guys be more obvious?"

"I know right! I tried to convince them to stop calling me that, but once those idiots get their mind stuck in something they don't let it go. Stubborn gits." Remus sounded exasperated but there was fondness in his eyes.

"Anyway, I should go. The moon will be out soon." Remus said reluctantly. He didn't want to go so soon. He wanted to stay with her and watch the stars like she used to. He wanted to hold her hand and continue their conversation for hours, he wanted to get to know her inside out like she knew him, before he ran out of time.

He stepped closer to her so that there was very little space between them.  
He gazed deep into her chocolate orbs and said the words he had wanted to say since the start of their conversation, "You were wrong, Sarah. Of course I would want you. You saw me in a way no one else ever has. You saw past all my faults. You are a beautiful, funny, thoughtful and intelligent girl. I would have been lucky to have you." Remus said with conviction, willing her to believe him.

"Thank you for all you did for me. You are so wonderful." Remus wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer for a hug. Ahh, he was right. She fit perfectly in his arms, her arms went around him and she sunk into his chest, her head tucked beneath his chin.

Remus sucked in a breath and closed his eyes. He wanted this moment to last forever. Her small, warm body felt wonderful against his as she clutched his back tightly. Their breaths were rising and falling together. He rubbed her back with one hand and smoothed the other in her silky black hair.

After what felt like hours but were probably a few minutes, Sarah pulled back. Tears were falling down her cheeks and she sniffled. Remus wiped her tears away and smiled at her, his own eyes were getting damp. His hand lingered on her cheek and she looked up to him with a stormy look in her eyes.

Suddenly, she put her hands around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. Remus was stunned for a moment but he started to move once the shock wore off. Her lips were soft, softer than he imagined and they moved in sync with his. Her fingers disappeared in his hair as he grabbed her waist and pulled her closer so that every inch of her body was pressed against his.

Remus had never had such an intense experience with anyone before. It was not like Sarah was more skilled or, on the contrary she was a bit hesitant and inexperienced but there was just something between them, something substantial that shot sparks through his body. Remus felt so happy at the moment that he could have produced a thousand patronuses.

She pulled away and took a step back. She was gorgeous, the colourful hues of the sky behind her highlighted her long face and delicate features. Her eyes were no longer filled with tears and her plush swollen lips were upturned in a small smile. Remus took his time in memorizing the scene in front of him.

"Promise me something, Remus." She said in a quiet voice, putting her hands in the pocket of her jeans.

"Anything." Remus said sincerely.

"When you find another girl who loves you for who you are, don't stay away in fear of hurting her." Sarah said.

Remus highly doubted that there could be someone else in this world who would love him in spite of his lycanthropy but he agreed nonetheless."I promise."

He took her hand and placed a piece of parchment in her palm. He made himself look into her chocolate brown eyes for the last time and kissed her forehead.

"Bye, Sarah."

"Goodbye, Remus." 

Remus turned away and started towards the castle doors. His heart felt heavy and his throat was constricted, tears were flowing freely from his eyes, racing towards his chin. But halfway back, he stopped in his tracks.

He turned around and gave her a smile. _I turned around too late, sorry love._

She smiled back and then turned away from him. He saw her shoulders shaking with sobs but he couldn't go back and comfort her, the full moon would be out soon. He steeled himself and walked away.

When he was out of sight, she unrolled the parchment.

 _All that you are, is all that I ever needed._  
___________________________________________________________________________________________

Years later, Remus was standing in his shabby apartment. It was the day after Dumbledore's death. Remus was feeling numb. He had been staring at a blank wall for hours. He forced himself to stand up and do something. He needed a distraction desperately, anything was better than thinking about their hopeless future .

In the end he settled on cleaning up the place. The bookshelf was overflowing and stacks were piled randomly, threatening to fall down any moment, so he decided to tackle that first. He reached out for the books kept on the top shelf and they cascaded to the floor. When he picked them up, some yellowed old notes fell out of them.

Remus picked them up and with a jolt he realized what these were. Wow, he hadn't thought about her in ages. Remus smiled and started skimming through them and his breath hitched when he reached the last one. It was the note Sarah had left for him the morning after that fateful day. His mind immediately wandered to a certain spirited Auror with bubblegum pink hair,

_**Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.**_

****

****

__

__

_Lord Tennyson is right, it was a privilege to love you Remus. I don't regret what happened. You will always have a place in my heart._

_Be happy and don't forget your promise.._

Remus smiled, "I won't."

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you liked it!


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